Institutio Oratoria

Of this kind was the remark made by Augustus, when a soldier was making some unreasonable request and Marcianus, whom he suspected of intending to make some no less unfair request, turned up at the same moment:

I will no more grant your request, comrade, than I will that which Marcianus is just going to make.

Apt quotation of verse may add to the effect of wit. The lines may be quoted in their entirety without alteration, which is so easy a task that Ovid composed an entire book against bad poets out of lines taken from the quatrains of Macer. [*]( Aellilius Macer, a contemporary of Virgil and Horace. The work presumably consisted of epigrams, four lines long. ) Such a procedure is rendered specially attractive if it be seasoned by a spice of ambiguity, as in the line which Cicero quoted against Lartius, a shrewd and cunning fellow who was suspected of unfair dealing in a certain case,

1. Had not Ulysses Lartius intervened.

The author, presumably a tragic poet, is unknown. Lartis= Luertius, son of Laertes.

Or the words may be slightly altered, as in the line quoted against the senator who,

although he had

always in previous times been regarded as an utter fool, was, after inheriting an estate, asked to speak first on a motion—

1. What men call wisdom is a legacy,

Probably from a lost comedy.

where legacy is substituted for the original faculty. Or again we may invent verses resembling well known lines, a trick styled parody by the Greeks. A neat application of proverbs may also be effective,

as when one man replied to another, a worthless fellow, who had fallen down and asked to be helped to his feet,

Let someone pick you up who does not know you.

[*]( Hor. Ep. I. xvii. 62, where the passers by reply Quaere peregrinum to an imposter who, having fallen down and broken his leg, implores them to pick him up, crying Credite, non ludo: crudeles, tollite claudum. ) Or we may shew our culture by drawing on legend for a jest, as Cicero did in the trial of Verres, when Hortensius said to him as he was examining a witness,

I do not understand these riddles.

You ought to, then,

said Cicero,

as you have got the Sphinx at home.

Hortensius had received a bronze Sphinx of great value as a present from Verres.

Effects of mild absurdity are produced by the simulation of folly and would, indeed, themselves, be foolish were they not fictitious. Take as an example the remark of the man who, when people wondered why he had bought a stumpy candlestick, said,

It will do for lunch.

[*]( Lunch requiring a less elaborate service, but being in broad daylight. ) There are also sayings closely resembling absurdities which derive great point from their sheer irrelevance, like the reply of Dolabella's slave, who, on being asked whether his master had advertised a sale of his property, answered,

He has sold his house.

[*](i.e. how can he? he has nothing left to sell. ) Sometimes you may get out of a tight comer by giving a humorous explanation of your embarrassment,

as the man did who asked a witness, who alleged that lie had been wounded by the accused, whether he had any scar to show for it. The witness proceeded to show a huge scar on his thigh, on which lie remarked,

I wish he had wounded you in the side.

[*](ac. because then he would have killed you. ) A happy use may also be made of insult. Hispo, for example, when the accuser charged him with scandalous crimes, replied,

You judge my character by your own

; while Fulvius Propinquus, when asked by the representative of the emperor whether the documents which he produced were autographs, replied,

Yes, Sir, and the handwriting is genuine, too!

[*]( Presumably the legatus had been suspected of forgery. )