Dialogi mortuorum

Callidemides When we came from bath, the young fellow had two cups ready, one with the poison for Ptoeodorus, and the other for me; but by some blunder he handed me the poisoned cup,

Zenophantus Well, it was such a humorous exit. And how did the old man behave?

Callidemides He was dreadfully distressed for the moment; then he saw, I suppose, and laughed as much as you over the butler’s trick,

Zenophantus Ah, short cuts are no better for you than for other people, you see; the high road would have been safer, if not quite so quick.

Cnemon Why, ’tis the proverb fulfilled! The fawn hath taken the lion.

Damasias What’s the matter, Cnemon?

Cnemon The matter! I have been fooled, miserably fooled. I have passed over all whom I should have liked to make my heirs, and left my money to the wrong man.

Damasias How was that?

Cnemon I had been speculating on the death of Hermolaus, the millionaire. He had no children, and my attentions had been well received by him. I thought it would be a good idea to let him know that I had made my will in his favour, on the chance of its exciting his emulation.

Damasias Yes; and Hermolaus?

Cnemon What his will was, I don’t know. I died suddenly,— the roof came down about my ears; and now Hermolaus is my heir The pike has swallowed hook and bait.

Damasias And your anglership into the bargain. The pit that you digged for other....

Cnemon That’s about the truth of the matter, confound it.

Simylus So here you are at last, Polystratus; you must be something very like a centenarian.

Polystratus Ninety-eight.

Simylus And what sort of a life have you had of it, these thirty years? you were about seventy when I died.

Polystratus Delightful, though you may find it hard to believe.

Simylus It ¢s surprising that you could have any joy of your life— old, weak, and childless, moreover.

Polystratus In the first place, I could do just what I liked; there were still plenty of handsome boys and dainty women; perfumes were sweet, wine kept its bouquet, Sicilian feasts were nothing to mine,

Simylus This is a change, to be sure; you were very economical in my day.

Polystratus Ah, but, my simple friend, these good things were presents—came in streams. From dawn my doors were thronged with visitors, and in the day it was a procession of the fairest gifts of earth.

Simylus Why, you must have seized the crown after my death.

Polystratus Oh no, it was only that I inspired a number of tender passions,

Simylus Tender passions, indeed! what, you, an old man with hardly a tooth left in your head!

Polystratus Certainly; the first of our townsmen were in love with me. Such as you see me, old, bald, blear-eyed, rheumy, they

Simylus Well, then, you had some adventure like Phaon’s, when he rowed Aphrodite across from Chios; your God granted your prayer and made you young and fair and lovely again.

Polystratus No, no; I was as you see me, and I was the object of all desire.

Simylus Oh, I give it up.

Polystratus Why, I should have thought you knew the violent passion for old men who have plenty of money and no children.

Simylus Ah, now I comprehend your beauty, old fellow; it was the Golden Aphrodite bestowed it.

Polystratus I assure you, Simylus, I had a good deal of satisfaction out of my lovers; they idolized me, almost. Often I would be coy and shut some of them out. Such rivalries! such jealous emulations!

Simylus And how did you dispose of your fortune in the end?

Polystratus I gave each an express promise to make him my heir; he believed, and treated me to more attentions than ever; meanwhile I had another genuine will, which was the one I left, with a message to them all to go hang.

Simylus Who was the heir by this one? one of your relations, I suppose.

Polystratus Not likely; it was a handsome young Phrygian I had lately bought.

Simylus Age?

Polystratus About twenty.

Simylus Ah, I can guess his office.

Polystratus Well, you know, he deserved the inheritance much better than they did; he was a barbarian and a rascal; but by this time he has the best of society at his beck. So he inherited; and now he is one of the aristocracy; his smooth chin and his

Simylus Well, I don’t mind; let him be Emperor of Greece, if he likes, so long as he keeps the property away from that other crew.