Dialogi mortuorum

Nireus Here we are; Menippus shall award the palm of beauty, Menippus, am I not better-looking than he?

Menippus Well, who are you? I must know that first, mustn’t I?

Nireus Nireus and Thersites.

Menippus Which is which? I cannot tell that yet.

Thersites One to me; I am like you; you have no such superiority as Homer (blind, by the way) gave you when he called you the handsomest of men; he might peak my head and thin my hair, our judge finds me none the worse. Now, Menippus, make up your mind which is handsomer.

Nireus I, of course, I, the son of Aglaia and Charopus,

Menippus But not comeliest of all that come ’neath the earth, as far as I know. Your bones are much like other people’s; and the only difference between your two skulls is that yours would not take much to stove it in. It is a tender article, something short of masculine,

Nireus Ask Homer what I was, when I sailed with the Achaeans.

Menippus Dreams, dreams, I am looking at what you are; what you were is ancient history.

Nireus Am I not handsomer here, Menippus?

Menippus You are not handsome at all, nor any one else either. Hades is a democracy; one man is as good as another here.

Thersites And a very tolerable arrangement too, if you ask me.