Dialogi mortuorum

Protesilaus There is reason in that. Oh, would that I had Love himself here in these hands!

Aeacus Permit me to charge myself with his defence. He does not absolutely deny his responsibility for Paris’s love; but that for your death he refers to yourself, Protesilaus. You forgot all about your bride, fell in love with fame, and, directly the fleet touched the Troad, took that rash senseless leap, which brought you first to shore and to death.

Protesilaus Now it is my turn to correct, Aeacus. The blame does not rest with me, but with Fate; so was my thread spun from the beginning.

Aeacus Exactly so; then why blame our good friends here?

Menippus In Pluto’s name, Aeacus, show me all the sights of Hades,

Aeacus That would be rather an undertaking, Menippus. However, you shall see the principal things. Cerberus here you know already, and the ferryman who brought you over. And you saw the Styx on your way, and Pyriphlegethon.

Menippus Yes, and you are the gate-keeper; I know all that; and I have seen the King and the Furies. But show me the men of ancient days, especially the celebrities.

Aeacus This is Agamemnon; this is Achilles; near him, Idomeneus; next comes Odysseus; then Ajax, Diomede, and all the great Greeks.

Menippus Why, Homer, Homer, what is this? All your great

Aeacus That is Cyrus; and here is Croesus; beyond him Sardanapalus, and beyond him again Midas, And yonder is Xerxes.

Menippus Ha! and it was before this creature that Greece trembled? this is our yoker of Hellesponts, our designer of Athoscanals?—Croesus too! a sad spectacle! As to Sardanapalus, I will lend him a box on the ear, with your permission.

Aeacus And crack his skull, poor dear! Certainly not.

Menippus Then I must content myself with spitting in his ladyship’s face.

Aeacus Would you like to see the philosophers?

Menippus I should like it of all things.

Aeacus First comes Pythagoras.

Menippus Good-day, Euphorbus, alias Apollo, alias what you will.

Pythagoras Good-day, Menippus.

Menippus What, no golden thigh nowadays?

Pythagoras Why, no. I wonder if there is anything to eat in that wallet of yours?

Menippus Beans, friend; you don’t like beans,

Pythagoras Try me. My principles have changed with my quarters. I find that down here our parents’ heads are in no way connected with beans.

Aeacus Here is Solon, the son of Execestides, and there is Thales, By them are Pittacus, and the rest of the sages, seven in all, as you see,

Menippus The only resigned and cheerful countenances yet. Who is the one covered with ashes, like a loaf baked in the embers? He is all over blisters,

Aeacus That is Empedocles, He was half-roasted when he got here from Etna.

Menippus Tell me, my brazen-slippered friend, what induced you to jump into the crater?

Empedocles I did it in a fit of melancholy.

Menippus Not you. Vanity, pride, folly; these were what burnt you up, slippers and all; and serve you right. All that ingenuity was thrown away, too: your death was detected.—

Aeacus where is Socrates?

Aeacus He is generally talking nonsense with Nestor and Palamedes.

Menippus But I should like to see him, if he is anywhere about.

Aeacus You see the bald one?

Menippus They are all bald; that is a distinction without a difference,

Aeacus The snub-nosed one.

Menippus There again: they are all snub-nosed.