Cicero

There was a certain Octavius, too, who was reputed to be of African descent; to this man, who said at a certain trial that he could not hear Cicero, the orator replied: And yet your ear is not without a perforation.[*](Usually the mark of a slave.) And when Metellus Nepos declared that Cicero had brought more men to death as a hostile witness than he had saved from it as an advocate, Yes, said Cicero, I admit that my credibility is greater than my eloquence.

Again, when a certain young man who was accused of having given his father poison in a cake put on bold airs and threatened to cover Cicero with abuse, That, said Cicero, I would rather have from you than a cake. There was Publius Sextius, too, who retained Cicero as an advocate in a case, along with others, and then wanted to do all the speaking himself, and would allow no one else a word; when it was clear that he was going to be acquitted by the jurors and the vote was already being given, Use your opportunity today, Sextius, said Cicero, for to-morrow you are going to be a nobody.

Publius Consta, too, who wanted to be a lawyer, but was ignorant and stupid, was once summoned by Cicero as witness in a case; and when he kept saying that he knew nothing, Perhaps, said Cicero, you think you are being questioned on points of law. Again, in a dispute with Cicero, Metellus Nepos asked repeatedly Who is your father? In your case, said Cicero, your mother has made the answer to this question rather difficult.

Now, the mother of Nepos was thought to be unchaste, and he himself a fickle sort of man. He once suddenly deserted his office of tribune and sailed off to join Pompey in Syria, and then came back from there with even less reason. Moreover, after burying his teacher Philagrus with more than usual ceremony, he set upon his tomb a raven in stone; whereupon Cicero remarked: In this you have acted more wisely than is your wont, for he taught you to fly rather than to speak.

And again, when Marcus Appius prefaced his speech in a case by saying that his friend had begged him to exhibit diligence, eloquence, and fidelity, And then, said Cicero, are you so hard-hearted as to exhibit none of those great qualities which your friend demanded?

Now, this use of very biting jests against enemies or legal opponents seems to be part of the orator’s business; but his indiscriminate attacks for the sake of raising a laugh made many people hate Cicero. And I will give a few instances of this also. Marcus Aquinius, who had two sons-in-law in exile, he called Adrastus.[*](Adrastus, mythical king of Argos, gave his two daughters in marriage to Tydeus and Polyneices, both of whom were fugitives from their native cities.)

Again, Lucius Cotta, who held the office of censor, was very fond of wine, and Cicero, when canvassing for the consulship, was a-thirst, and as his friends stood about him while he drank, said: You have good reason to fear that the censor will deal harshly with me—for drinking water. And when he met Voconius escorting three very ugly daughters, he cried out:—

1. It was against the will of Phoebus that he begat children.